UnAltered Query Mess Numero Dos

I asked for a critique or ten of my query letter that I’m submitting for the Big Sur Writer’s Workshop and while I didn’t get ten, I did get a couple. Thank you so much Nancy and Gail for your time and assistance.

But instead of that warm, fuzzy ‘problem solved’ feeling, I now feel utterly addled. As a result, I’m going to break it down bit by bit over my next couple of blogs.

As you know by now, I deplore the longwinded; I’ll attempt to be brief.

The beginning of my query, as was posted:

Your website states that you are currently seeking YA, “…character-driven AND page-turning contemporary fiction with real emotional power; dystopian…”

My intention was to prove that I had gone to her website and researched what she is specifically seeking, without repeating her tweets and outing myself as a fangirl.

But one critiquer thinks this is grand faux pas numero uno.

That commenter, a fellow writer with extensive querying experience, stated:

“Unless an agent specifically asks for an introduction, always jump right into the meat of the query. Besides, the agent already knows which genres she reps so you don't have to remind her.”

The other commenter, one-time journalist, poet, children’s writer, etc., had a different idea:

“…SOME WANT TO KNOW STUFF LIKE WHY YOU ARE QUERYING THEM IN PARTIC, HOW YOUR BOOK FITS INTO THEIR LIST, ETC, I HEAR THIS OVER AND OVER IN AGENT PANELS AND INTERVIEWS. WHICH IS WHAT RESEARCH IS FOR. DEFINITELY DO HOMEWORK ABOUT EACH AGENT…

As I’m no expert I went to the expert’s corner…

In my world that’s Chuck Sambuchino’s blog, A Guide to the Literary Agent. All the following quotes are from his immeasurably helpful blog. (Maybe I have a small crush…)

These are a few of those wants and don’t wants in queries:

Molly Glick of Foundry Literary & Media told Chuck: “…No. 3-Proof that you have researched and hand-picked an agent…” (Maybe I will repeat her tweets…)

Janet Reid, the infamous Query Shark, says it a little differently: “…Section Three: 1. Why you chose this agent…” Essentially, keep the intro but put it at the bottom.

She also demands a query letter not surpass 250 words. I’m good there, mine currently is 203.

And I could go on and on, but your eyes are already bleeding and you’ve just scrolled down three-fourths of the page.

This is my current intro:

According to your website, you are currently seeking dystopian YA with character driven plots and real emotional power. You may enjoy my novel, UnALTERED.

So you tell me, do I scrap it or keep it or rework one more time?

Finished, Finished, Finished

Ta dah!

I finally finished my WIP with an ending that will stand. At least until I edit and undoubtedly I will chop it to shreds.

But for now, I have that satisfying feeling. You know the one, you've cleaned your entire house and you're finally soaking in a bubble bath with a case of chardonnay? Sorry, that was just a fantasy it usually entails a guy name Guy rubbing my shoulders and begging me to let him paint my toenails. I don't know why, it's a fantasy, okay?

I've been neglecting my blog and I would like to promise to never allow that to happen again but as I already live in a world of self-delusion I don't want to press my luck. But I will check in more often.

Now that UNCLASSIFIED is marinating, I am taking a little breather and writing a couple of short stories for competition. One thing I've learned so far about shorts, I suck. Short, right? I'm actually surprised at how hard it is to write a complete story in under 2500 words or less. And what should I write about? I mean, do YA shorts even have a chance up against lost love (most common category)?

Please leave me your ideas for short stories so I can shamelessly steal them. Just kidding, I will feel shame, promise.

I'm an Idiot, But You Probably Already Figured That Out

It's been an awesome week of writing, but I must apologize for not blogging. So now that that's been said, I owe one more apology. The amazing, the stupendous, the remarkable, (yeah even I'm gagging) the perfect blogger that I can no longer find, sent me one of those seriously sweet blog awards and being the numbskull that I am, I can't locate it. So, I'm sorry.

Getting back to the promise I made to humiliate myself for your amusement, I'm
posting the first and last sentences of the first five chapters of BLAZE, my 2010 NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month AKA November) story.

Please be gentle as the goal is to write a novel with a minimum word count of 50,000, and it was mission accomplished. The rest is self-explanatory.

BLAZE is a completed, unedited YA Romantic Fantasy at 66,500 words.


Chapter 1

1. Don’t call Captain Thorton please, just this once, just this year, can’t we skip it?
2. Super crapola, the rest of the handkerchief crowd was headed her way, rheumy eyed and ready for a good cry to salve their conscious.

Chapter 2

1. “What’s up Wheels? Or should I say Mazel Tov?”
2. Shouldn’t she happy for them?

Chapter 3

1. The gate screeched as Blaze pushed the rusty hinges to their breaking point and slipped through the gap into the overgrown brambles.
2. He sent the other half of his soul out after her, but as usual it sang to empty air.

Chapter 4

1. Blaze’s yard was swarming with police officers as she ran up and her stomach fell through the sidewalk, the flowers in her gut turning into liquid acid.
2. And she continued running until she was safe inside the walls of Athens High and halfway to her locker.

Chapter 5

1. Wheels’ locker was below and to the left of Blaze’s and he was already there as she arrived out of breath and frazzled.
2. He’d be ready and waiting when they knocked on his door.

The chapters in this novel are very long and will undoubtedly be cut in half when I actually start editing it. But for now, I can see the plot following through by the first and last lines. So, even though I'm very proud of this one, it will be salvageable when the work I'm on finally gives me a rest.

Now that I've been baring my soul, I hope a few of you, will follow suit and let me know where I can read them. I will be taking a week's vacation at the beach with my darling perfect pixie of a granddaughter, but I will check in.

Happy writing!

An Award For Me?

"Oh no, why I couldn’t! Oh, you shouldn’t have. Oh my, aren’t you sweet?"

As hard as it to believe, I’m still in a twitter about it, but I was lavished with the Versatile Blogger Award by none other than the illustrious Anita, her blog is
"A Still and Quiet Madness". Awesome title, right?
She’s quite literary, accomplished, and soon to be published, so it’s okay to hate her a bit, it’ll be our little secret.

And no that isn’t the award, but as I was poking around for the perfect pic, I found this one and while I totally commiserate with the emotion, I would have had enough sense to stuff my bra before I went on stage. Bless her heart, but I’m just saying, can’t she pay someone to point out her flaws? Maybe she’s needs beta dressers.

Here’s the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious award:

And the way the award works, yep there’s rules wouldn’t you know it, is:
1. Thank and link to the person who nominated you.
2. Share seven random facts about yourself or the one I chose…
Post the first and last lines of the first five chapters of one of
your manuscripts.
3. Pass the award along to 5 deserving blogging buddies.
4. Contact those buddies to congratulate them

So, for number one, thank you Ms. Anita and I’m swallowing my jealousy and promise not to feel to much more angst against you.

For number two, I was torn and have decided to do all three of my finished and the my current WIP, but since all that reading would probably make your eyes bleed and I don’t want to be responsible for that, I’ll post them separately. It’s an insightful tool to let you know if you’re on track or not.

My current WIP is a YA Dystopian, UNCLASSIFIED, and it kinda goes like this:

Chapter 1
I am a menstruating female.
One false move and it will be my last.

Chapter 2
There is no doubt phototherapy was good for me.
That star is a bigger insult than anything an Altered to could say or do to me. Traitor!

Chapter 3
The double doors slide silently apart as I approach.
But I can’t block out the truth…I’ll be joining them soon enough.

Chapter 4
My judge, jury and executioner is an Altered.
Maybe her curiosity will get the better of her before it’s too late.

Chapter 5
I sling my backpack over my shoulder and grab the two sterile parcels from the bed next to Bengali and drop them on the bed in the farthest corner of the ward.
Never looking back is my only hope of survival.

The plot is set in the not too far future and after the destruction and reunification of the world into one country post 9-11. My MC, Ezra Thibodeaux, is assimilated into this world, then raped, pregnant, and alone she’s forced to fight for her life. And yada, yada, yada.

For number three, I’ve selected the following deserving blogging buddies:


Gina White
Sarah Allen
Charmalot
Kit Courteney
Murees Dupé

(Just in case, this is the umpthteen time I posted these links, I hope they show up, I can't edit this thing anymore, I promise they are there, just invisible.)

These are all lovely blogs with a humorous side, not bloated or condescending at all. Check them out for a tad of wisdom without the wind.

So now, I’m going to contact them to let them know about the award and get back to writing, this is the longest blog I’ve ever done. Whew! I’m worn out!

It's Only a Little Obsession

I have been neglecting my blog, but not because it doesn’t come to mind or due to lack of time to write. I’ve been negligent due to obsession. My current WIP is sucking up all of my cognizant hours. When I’m not writing on it, I’m thinking on it. I go through this with each new story I fall into, but this one seems to be edging on madness.

Is this a good thing? I’ve got three finished pieces, including one that’s in desperate need of editing, and I should be querying them. Sporadically, I am, but not enough to ever move them to the next step. Why is that? I loved the stories when I wrote them, I even loved them through the numerous rewrites, but I just can’t seem to commit myself to time necessary to get their voices heard.

Am I only using this new story as an excuse to not query? Or am I finally writing the one, the story that will be my break through and get me published? I believe I am writing better than I’ve written, and I adore the plot, but if I’m honest with myself, I always feel this way about each new story. Well except for that NaNoWriMo ditty that needs its head cut off.

I abhor longwinded blogs so I’ll get straight to the point. How about you? Do you fall madly and obsessively in love with your MCs? Do you spend your every waking moment, including the ones when you should be falling asleep, imagining ways to make their lives hell?

Drop me a note and tell me about your MC and why he/she deserves the love you lavish on them…

To Wait or Not To Wait or To Write

Oh the anticipation…”You’ve Got Mail”.

You shyly read the sender’s name, yes, yes, yes, it’s one of the agents that you’ve queried, your mind screams to your fingers, “CLICK THE BLOODY BUTTON ALREADY!”

But your fingers stubbornly revolt. See, they’ve taken this trip before, and they know the ride ends in failure, so you wait. The battle rages between your mind and your fingers…open, open, open!

Your body unable to take the tension roiling through you, weighs in…get another cup of coffee, go take a wee, get a little exercise, or check your other email? Or maybe you should get some coffee and exercise? So, you perform these other suddenly monumentally important tasks, but once finished, it’s still there, it’s still waiting…

Your mind forces you to return to the agent’s magical response, your pinkie finger, such a little guy to be put in such an important position, hovers over the ‘enter’ key. Your heart paces like a wild caged animal, and your breathing stops altogether.

Should you wait a little longer? Maybe you should go work on your current WIP, you’ve only written two paragraphs of worthless drivel today…

Your pinkie, unused to such extreme tension, strikes! The damage is done…

Underoos for the Undaunted Adult

Remember those adorable Wonder Woman panties you wore until the holes were so large it looked like you had been struck by lightning? No, maybe you were a Hello Kitty kind of girl. Well, as my dear old mom thought they were a sin, I never got a pair. I’m still not over the trauma.

Oh, how jealous I was of Tracy, can’t remember her last name, when she showed me her Underoos in the second grade girl’s bathroom. Those dingy drawers was my introduction to envy, that green eyed monster writhed alive, twisting and turning my guts into mush. Those panties with the gold eagle emblazoned across the chest were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I hated Tracy for them.

But now I discover there’s a cure for people like me, down trodden folks living with the stigma of underroolessness. I’ve heard rumors there are entire clinics hidden in the Alps dedicated to bringing the most stricken back from the brink of suicide. I’ve not located the actual flyers yet as I understand these exclusive spas are open by invitation only. Perhaps, my blog will wrangle me an invitation…

Of course, until then I have to be satisfied with a band-aid fix.

Underoos for the undaunted adult.

They are glorious underpants, I crap you not. Available in a variety of characters, I can now not only flaunt my flabby glutes encased in the blue silk and gold cord of Wonder Woman, I can stand proud and shake my booty in all of the Marvel Comic characters. Turns out I’m rather fond of Spiderman. I haven’t gained any special powers and every time I try to climb the wall in them I fall back down, but GAWD do I feel special! So I guess they do have power after all.

However; these are the underoos my honey prefers I wear. What is your secret indulgence? Who brings out your inner wonder woman?

I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T & Other Things That Go Blahhhg

The April Blog A to Z Challenge was rolling along nicely…

Okay so on the 10th of April I posted my “H” blog and was almost caught up in the blog challenge and feeling rather spiffy about myself. And then disaster struck! A common malady in my world, I think I must have been a troll or goblin in a former life and Karma is paying me back in this one. My laptop contracted a latent zombie virus and began to eat itself.

I replaced the laptop on Thursday and have been playing catch-up ever since. I was an uber idiot as I had not bothered to save my WIPs on a flash drive and had only backed up my laptop to my laptop. I did have my completed novels on flash but not the latest edits. SO yeah, I suck!

As my head is perpetually in the clouds, the silver lining is sticking to my eyelashes and I'm to be assured my old laptop will be returned in a week or so, sans virus. I’ve already chunked out the cash for this miracle, so I’m hoping being the Easter season I'll have a little luck at that resurection thing.

In the meantime, I’ve been answering the two weeks worth of missed emails which included……big drum roll here…2 partial requests on one of those edited but not the latest edited completed works.

I…is for Idiot, me. As I will now fastidiously copy everything on flash and backup online.
J…is for jumbo, as in my jumbo mistake at not saving my files adequately.
K…is for kicking, myself in the butt.
L…is for libation, poured myself several after the fiasco.
M…is for murder, the act I wish to commit on the sicko who invented the virus.
N…is for Norton, worthless antivirus company that assures me they protected me from other viruses.
O…is for obsessive, my new devotion to backing up files.
P…is for peeps, those nasty little marshmallow things stuffed in Easter baskets (just seems appropriate).
Q…is for query, only the favorable ones shall be remembered.
R…is for raving, ranting, and railing, still ongoing but trying to shut up.
S…is for snorting, something I did for hours as my laptop died.
T…is for tomorrow, for tomorrow never comes.

Okay so tomorrow I’ll post the ubiquitous “U” and be back on track. Anyone feeling the need to point out that this is flagrant cheating, please keep it to yourself, I’m already wallowing in guilt.

Frenzied, Fabulous...Failure

I spent three days dreaming up the perfect “F” word and all I could come up with was that song by Cee Lo Green, F______ YOU”. Regardless of the version you choose, the result is the same. While I adore the song, both versions, decided I’d best not choose either of those “F”s.

Frenzied describes my life right now. I write, I blog, I cook, I edit, I query, I tweet, I FaceBook, and do all the things that have to be done, eating, cleaning, bathing, pretending to listen to my other (money man), and all at a frenzied pace, but I still feel three days behind.

Fabulous is my first grandbaby. She’s beyond amazing and I could spend every second holding her, and kissing her little fingers and toes. In fact, when I get to spend time with her I don’t set her down, much to my son’s chagrin, but he can get over it.

Failure. No matter how big the pep talk I give myself prior to reading that email. You know the one, the response to your query one. When the answer is no, whether it’s an eloquent note, a long description of why not, or the evil abominable form letter, I feel like a failure. I know there are thousands of agents out there and I only need one, but each reject makes me sick, literally.

Failure. Failure. Failure. I read the rejection ten times at least, trying to glean every shred of useable info imparted. I take that chunk of criticism and go back to edit and then despair. Unless the agent has specifically said I can resubmit, I sit there and stew, and pout, and frown, and curse the futility of trying to get published and then the inevitable. I google self-publishing websites and read their promises of automatic success and world-wide recognition. I’m not ready to go there yet, but it gives me a glimmer of hope. It makes the failure easier to swallow anyway.

Ecdysiast Everyone?

Are you an ecdysiast? I am.
Well not literally, although there was that one time…but I digress.

An ecdysiast is a striptease artist.

They are tempters, teasers, and sirens.

They can draw you in slowly. Grabbing your attention with just a pretty face and turn your head to follow their every movement. Next a glove, peeled enticingly down her slender arm, sharing just a tad of flesh, wetting your appetite for more. Next a stocking?

Or they can be wild frenzied flesh, gyrating and grinding their bony hips in your face. Tossing you into the action with unrestrained abandon. Captivating you so entirely that you can’t rip your eyes away, you can’t escape, and you become their unexpected slave.

Of course they are only successful if they fit the part. No one, or very select fetish few, is willing to hand over their last dollar to a four pound linebacker looking female sliming up the pole.

So what does getting naked for money have to do with writing? EVERYTHING!

You have to grab your reader, whether you do the slow dance or the action packed gyrate, the result is the same. You’ve got to latch onto them and keep them mesmerized. If you lose your reader’s interest, first page or half-way through, he’s not going to hand over his hard earned bucks again.

So, look at your WIPs and ask yourself? Am I tempted and teased into a slathering drool fool, begging for more?

If not, it’s time for a rewrite.

So, be an Ecdysiast but don’t be an Ecdemomaniac.

(Should make you look it up, but since you were so kind to stop by, I’ll give it to you. A person with an abnormal compulsion to wander.)

Crappy Character Calling Cards

Since I didn’t join the April Blog A to Z Challenge until yesterday, I missed the A & B, but fret none as I will make them up on one of these here weekends. So give me a “C”.

Naming your character is just as important as the title in my opinion. A great title will make you pick up the book and flip it over to see if you want to buy it. But the wrong character name will have me snapping it shut before I get through Chapter 1.

The name speaks to the character’s attributes. For example, Igor…what do you see?

A bug eating freak, humpbacked, lice infested, and stained white lab coat, right? Or some such, but no Igor is actually a 15 year-old, 6’2’’, and solid wall of muscle linebacker. Sure. With a name like Igor he’s gonna need those rock hard abs. While the author may be seeing it as a cutesy statement, the reader is already lost in bug eating conjurings and completely turned off by the character.

Likewise is the overuse of popular names. Brandy for instance… Brunette, curvy, hazel eyes, ex-cheerleader type and go ahead, think it...slut.

While a secondary character may be fine named after the alcohol she was conceived on, do you really want that for your main character? If that’s her personality be bold, but not many readers are going to find it plausible for Brandy to save the world, unless it’s erotica.

Sexually ambiguous names can be just as annoying for your reader.
Okay, maybe not, but they annoy the “C”rap out of me.

Tangled in My Own Web

I made this amazing schedule to get my writing career going in a forward direction instead floundering in the quagmire. Well that sucked! Even without the laptop keyboard glitch, I haven’t succeeded at following it one single day. These are the reasons why:

1. Querying a mere three agents, not the ten I so loftily amused myself with, per day takes me upwards of four hours. I troll QueryTracker.net selected picks for me and then research the agent. Hoping my letter will not look completely random, I Google said agent and read at least one of their interviews and quote some little ditty they’ve espoused.

2. I hadn’t scheduled time for bathing or Chardonnay, but I’m proud to report those items have not missed a day. I cocooned my laptop in Saran Wrap and have been practicing with washing and guzzling while typing. Not vastly successful yet, but I have high hopes. Sadly for the monumental span of my derriere, exercise has been moved down on a notch on my ‘to do’ list.

3. I swore that I would write on one of the two WIP’s and rotate them regularly, but that has been revised to writing like mad on one and ignoring the shouting voice of my MC in the other.

4. I committed to editing my badly needed rewrite on my NaNoWriMo. Wisely, I moved it to the end of my document’s list so I need not feel any guilt by accidentally scrolling past that sad file.

5. No more time suckage allowed by FaceBook or Twitter? No comment.

6. And as for that blogging, reading blogs, and commenting on such… I’m working on it.

So for those of you who have this whole shebang under control, how do you do it? And how do you deal with the guilt when you flop miserably?


On a completely sane level, would anyone like to post their query letter and let random strangers poke fun, er, I mean critique it?
Leave me a comment if you want to be my guinnea pig.

Schedule Wisely or Get a Job

The above are the sage and heartless words of my dearest..

Several of the NYT Best Selling Authors churn out multiple novels in a year, which in itself with the required hours of editing and rewriting is monumental. Add in Twitter, FaceBook, a myriad of other social networking sites and a blog and the task seems unattainable. How do they do it? Where do they find the time?

I’ve spent 3 years beating my head against the wall, not literally (I hate pain), and I feel no closer to being published than the day I scaled down my real estate brokerage in order to do this. I’ve come to an impasse. (My husband is losing patience with my lowered income, but I’m fine with not working 80 hours a week.) It’s time to get serious, to get organized, or admit defeat and go back to work fulltime.

I have three finished novels and two under way. I write, I edit, I rewrite, I edit, but I really suck at querying. I have queries for each of the aforementioned novels but sending them out? Ewww! I’m breaking out in hives just thinking about it. I do the research, I find my dream agents, but… just...ewww.

Enough! I will, starting today.

Since I have three completed novels, I will work on one book at a time rotating them weekly. The new and improved (first ever) schedule I came up with went like this: 10 query letters per day-three hours, two hours of editing, two hours of blog reading/writing, two hours of FB/Twitter (time suckage no longer allowed), and four hours on the WIPs. A full thirteen hours of devotion.

Extremely proud of my spurt of industriousness, I boasted of my eminent success to my other. He rolled his eyes and sagely noted that I hadn’t scheduled time for him, bathing, eating, exercise, or (OMG how could I have forgotten?) chardonnay.

Okay so something has to go, and it won’t be my wine. Do I really need to query?

First Day a New Way

Thanks to my innate laziness I'm the world's worst blogger. Besides the fact that I find writing about writing incredibly sad, especially as to date I'm unpublished. Sure, I could go the indie way lots of today's millionaire writers have done that very thing. I've even read a few of those books, but I haven't found one yet that made me stay up all night reading it. They read like early drafts, the potential of something great is there, the yeasty scent is enticing but the bread is only parbaked.

So, I shan't give up my quest, I shall lumber on.

This new blog will be my rant at the futility of my search to obtain that goal. It will be filled with angst and guest bloggers and contests. Why? Because I've been assured by the “oh so wise”, Office Girl, see her blog under blogs I follow, that this is the key to wild success. And she knows all. She is wise beyond her tender years.

What I won't do is curse the heads of those sage and venerable creatures, otherwise known as agents, even when they turn down the unbelievable opportunity to represent my work. I will sadly keep a public count of my humiliation here for your pleasure.

Why? Dare you say I should wail at the beasts that could so obtusely refuse such a gold plated sweet deal? I should spit in their eye? After all they must be blind; they couldn't see the spit coming.

Well I won't and I'll tell you why. Because one day, one of those higher beings is going to pick up my query letter, laugh their asses off, and request a full. And it goes without saying that the wise one will love it! Find me a publisher with a flick of his/her cellphone and rocket us both to instant success. So there!