I'm sticking in my current sample and ask for your feedback. Tear it to shreds, spare no blood, please!
Dear Amazing Uber Agent,
Your website states that you are currently seeking YA, “…character-driven AND page-turning contemporary fiction with real emotional power; dystopian…”
They say religion ended the world in a day. It only took 7 hours. And two years later it was banned. So was reproduction.
Primitive birth, genetically unaltered…mutt, 16 year-old Ezra Thibodeaux only has one goal, be the best Cadet Smith 902 she can be. In other words, assimilate or die. But when the Freedom Fighter’s grandson and future One Globe leader, Thorne bin Laden sets his targets on her, assimilation is no longer an option.
Raped, pregnant, and selected for survival exercises, escape becomes her obsession. In a rare twist of fate she’s reunited with a boy from her past and faces the toughest decision of her life. If she chooses to keep her baby, she must fight her way out. She must also tell the boy she loves that she’s pregnant…with their enemy’s child.
UnALTERED is a 82K word YA dystopian. Per your website, I’m including the first ten pages in this email and look forward to sending the remaining manuscript at your request.
Sincerely,
Lea McFalls Zeqiri
Lea McFalls Zeqiri
1234 Sunshine Ln.
Dallas, TX 75666
(469) 222-2222 cell
(888) 515-5555 fax
myunbreachableemail@yahoo.com
Now, ready, set, go...rip my heart out.
Wow Big Sur I'm jealous! Yup, that price tag sure is steep - let us all know how it went and take lots of pictures!
ReplyDeleteHave you posted this up on the boards like querytracker.net? I've heard they give tons of great feedback on there and you'll also get a supportive community!
Oh I'm so glad to find your blog too! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE red hair. My MC has red hair, and I tend to be uber jealous of anyone with red hair. Good luck with your querying. I'm quite jealous...of that and your hair.
ReplyDelete@Sophia I'm on querytracker, it helps but sometimes it can take awhile for response.
ReplyDelete@erin My MC has red hair too. lol And I'm uber jealous of anyone with an Irish name.
Your blog has been the highlight of my day. Keep writing, we'll all join in the violent organ-donations with you.
ReplyDeleteHey WRW! Well, I have a lot of experience with queries and critiquing so here goes my best attempt. Take it or leave it:
ReplyDeleteFirst Paragraph:
Unless an agent specifically asks for an introduction, always jump right into the meat of the query. Besides, the agent already knows which genres she reps so you don't have to remind her.
Second Paragraph:
This paragraph is, one, confusing, and two, all backstory.
First, who is "They"?
Second, the first and second sentences feel like they should be combined. "They say religion ended the world in a day yet it only took seven hours." (Always spell out numbers less than 100.)
Third, two years later? I thought the world had ended. See how this is confusing? You need to specify what exactly has ended. Obviously it's not the world. Then you say religion was banned, but then it never comes up again in your query, so what does it have to do with the heart of the story?
I would cut this paragraph completely and use part of it as an intro or description for your main character in the next paragraph.
Third Paragraph:
"Primitive birth, genetically unaltered…mutt" is just too much, and the primitive birth part doesn't feel like it fits in. I would just say: "Two years after (whatever the inciting event is), sixteen-year-old genetically unaltered Ezra Thibodeaux has only one goal: to be the best Cadet Smith 902 she can. In other words, assimilate or die."
Make sure you spell out her age and use hyphens. Also, Ezra is a usually a boy's name, most often of Jewish descent. I know from personal experience that agents are very sensitive to gender appropriate names so beware.
Next sentence: "But when the Freedom Fighter’s grandson and future One Globe leader, Thorne bin Laden sets his targets on her, assimilation is no longer an option." Again, this intro is too much. Keep it simple and, if you must, pick one general description for this character. Personally, I don't think you need any of that. Just introduce him by name. Okay, then there's the name: bin Laden. My gut tells me this is a big mistake. This is too current, too real world. I get that he's your antagonist, but in my opinion, using the name seems wildly inappropriate, if a bit cliche. (I know how hard it is to hear this about the names. Your characters, good or evil, are like your children, but I've been through the name game before with agents. It's easy to change in MS Word. Just use the Find and Replace command.)
Fourth Paragraph:
The first sentence is awesome except for the "escape" part since you never said anything about her being taken captive. The second sentence is very good. In the third sentence, what exactly is she fighting her way out of? Be specific. This goes back to the issue of her captivity. It's obviously important. I think the last sentence is perfect.
Last Paragraph:
UnALTERED is an 82,000 word YA dystopian. (Remember, this is a formal business proposal letter. Write the entire word count number out.) Per your website, I’m including the first ten pages in the body of this email. I would be happy to provide a full synopsis, additional chapters, or the complete manuscript. (This tells her that you have all these items ready to go should she ask without sounding presumptuous and saying you look forward to sending her the full manuscript.) Thank you for your time and consideration.
I hope that helps a little bit. And it's just one writer's opinion. I write adult psychological thrillers and so YA dystopian is not my thing. You should ask Robin Weeks or Angie Cothran (both on Blogger) for query help. They are both phenomenal and helped me immensely!!
@ Brock Thank you so much. AND Backstreet Boys, really?
ReplyDelete@ Nancy Wow, thanks! Your superb help is longer than my blog. Yes I will take some of your advice and some I will leave. It's obvious I'm a newbie, only four completed manuscripts and no agent to date. I'm glad it's been a successful easy road for you and your advice is outstanding. Thank you.
Hey Wanton Redhead, I went to the Big Sur conference last year and LOVED it. I'll comment on your query tomorrow, running late today, just wanted to check in.
ReplyDeleteHere are my comments in CAPS
ReplyDeleteYour website states that you are currently seeking YA, “…character-driven AND page-turning contemporary fiction with real emotional power; dystopian…” [YOUR WEBSITE STATES IS SOMEWHAT IMPERSONAL, TRY TO MAKE A STRONGER CONNECTION, IE USE "YOU" RATHER THAN "YOUR WEBSITE". EX: "YOU'VE SAID YOU LOVE PREGNANT HEROINES..." (JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE PREGNANT HEROINES)
They say religion ended the world in a day. It only took 7 hours. And two years later it was banned. So was reproduction. SPELL OUT ALL NUMBERS. TWO YEARS LATER (RELIGION?) WAS BANNED.
Primitive birth, genetically unaltered…mutt, THESE ARE NON-PARALELL STRUCTURES, PUNCTUATION IS QUIRKY. 16 year-old SPELL OUT *SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD*Ezra Thibodeaux only has one goal, : TO be the best Cadet Smith 902 she can be. In other words, CUT *IN OTHER WORDS* assimilate or die. But when the Freedom Fighter’s grandson UNCLEAR WHO THE FREEDOM FIGHTER IS and future One Globe leader, Thorne bin Laden sets his targets on her, assimilation is no longer an option. WHY DOES HE SET HIS TARGET ON HER? ARE YOU USING "TARGETS" METAPHORICALLY? NOT CLEAR IF HE WANTS TO GET WITH HER, OR KILL HER, AND WHY.
Raped, pregnant, and selected for survival exercises, escape becomes her obsession. In a rare twist of fate TWIST OF FATE IS A CLICHE she’s reunited with a boy from her past NAME HIM and faces the toughest decision of her life. If she chooses to keep her baby, she must fight her way out. She must also tell the boy she loves that she’s pregnant…with their enemy’s child. THESE ARE GOOD STAKES. I THINK YOU COULD REFINE THIS PARAGRAPH FUTHER, MAKE IT FLOW. THE ENEMY IS BIN LADEN, YES?
UnALTERED is a 82K word (82,000-WORD, YOUNG ADULT) YA dystopian NOVEL. Per your website, (CUT PER YOUR WEBSITE). I’m including I'VE INCLUDED the first ten pages BELOW. [in this email and CUT]. I look forward to sending the [FULL] manuscript at your request. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE WITH NANCY ABOVE ABOUT OFFERING SYNOPSIS, ETC. REALLY GOOD ADVICE.
I'D WORK ON YOUR STAKES PARAGRAPH UNTIL IT IS REALLY CLEAR WHO YOUR ANTAGONIST IS AND WHAT HE WANTS FROM YOUR MAIN CHAR --RIGHT NOW IT'S MUDDY.
IN FACT, ALL OF NANCY'S ADVICE IS AWESOME--EXCEPT, POSSIBLY, TO JUMP RIGHT IN. SOME AGENTS LIKE THIS, SOME WANT TO KNOW STUFF LIKE WHY YOU ARE QUERYING THEM IN PARTIC, HOW YOUR BOOK FITS INTO THEIR LIST, ETC, I HEAR THIS OVER AND OVER IN AGENT PANELS AND INTERVIEWS. WHICH IS WHAT RESEARCH IS FOR. DEFINITELY DO HOMEWORK ABOUT EACH AGENT--BEST SITE FOR THIS IS LITERARY RAMBLES, http://caseylmccormick.blogspot.com/
Your book sounds like a good read. Good luck at Big Sur!
Holy crap, that's one heck of a pitch. I can't add anything to what has been said above. I will tell you that I would read this book in a second. Good luck.
ReplyDelete@Gail Thank you I'd just finished my next post but will now revise to include your help.
ReplyDelete@Christa Uber sweet :) Thank you.